"Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them." -Margaret Atwood #YesAllWomen
— Lulu Antariksa (@LuluAntariksa) May 26, 2014
I’m the de facto head of the local English writers group in
the city where I live. I reluctantly have taken on more and more
responsibilities (or had them handed to me) out of a desire to create an
inclusive group where everyone feels welcome. I had the first true test of
leadership this week, and, interestingly enough, it came right on the heels of
the #yesallwomen discussion on Twitter. The two are intricately linked.
Not long after I joined the group several months ago, I
received an odd text from one of the male members of the group. He asked, “when
you read about the woman in my poems do you ever wish it was you?” Immediately
warning signs went off in my head. I’m happily married and this man is also
married with a new baby, but there was definitely an undercurrent of flirting
or overfriendliness in the message. I think that outsiders could look at that
text and think, as a writer, it’s reasonable to ask if a person feels an
attachment to something they read. So while it made me uncomfortable, I tried
to give him the benefit of the doubt and shrugged it off as “no, I just really
like your writing.” I brought it up, though, to another member, a woman who had
been in the group longer than I had been. She said that she had also received
text messaged from this man that made her uncomfortable. But, together, we
shrugged it off, had a laugh, and just pretended nothing weird was going on.
The more involved in the group I became, the more women who
joined, and the more people talked to me, though, the more I found out this man
was sending texts to every single woman in the group. Some of the women would
tell me only weeks afterwards when I emailed them and asked them why they never
returned to any of our meetings. Even women who were still coming to meetings
were telling me about texts inviting them to go to the movies, go hiking, and
go have a cup a cup of coffee. And all of them women reported feeling
uncomfortable, intimidated, and embarrassed. Some of them did not respond to
his texts, and some just replied with a friendly “I’m busy; maybe another time”
kind of response.
I finally decided enough was enough and confronted him about
it. I knew it would be uncomfortable and most likely his feelings would be
hurt, but this was not an isolated case of a misunderstanding. I couldn’t allow
every single member (and future potential members, because every new member was
receiving a text from him the day after they joined) to feel uncomfortable in a
group that is supposed to offer friendship and support. I sent him a message
and told him “I have heard that you have been sending private messages to
several women in the writing group. It is making them uncomfortable. Please
don’t do that anymore.”
Over the next four tortuous hours, he repeatedly played the
victim. He completely discounted the feelings of the women. He believed that
since he didn’t get to know the names of his “accusers” and he wasn’t able to
tell his side of the story, he was the one being wronged. I tried repeatedly to
explain to him that his side of the story (his intentions) didn’t matter. Even
if all he did was send a message that said “hi,” if it made the women
uncomfortable, then he needed to stop. He wanted to send me all the chat logs
as “evidence” that he hadn’t done anything wrong. To me, though, the women’s
feelings were the only evidence I needed. They were uncomfortable, so he needed
to stop.
The only legitimate point he made was that none of the women
themselves had told him “please stop messaging me.” I do agree that the whole
thing could have been avoided if the women (me included) had told him “this
text is inappropriate. Don’t message me again.” But this is where #yesallwomen
comes into play. The common theme all of the women were experiencing was fear.
They were all afraid to rebuff his advances. They weren’t afraid he was going
to kill them, but they were afraid of hurting his feelings, or afraid of making
waves, or afraid of causing a rift in the group. They all feared something.
Women are taught to keep their heads down, to smile, to stop
making things worse. We are taught avoidance. Instead of telling men outright
when they are making us uncomfortable, we just smile, and fidget, and change
the subject. We avoid going places we like. We avoid talking to our friends. We
avoid sharing our feelings.
This man, and millions of other, deserve the truth. They
shouldn’t feel “led on” and should be called out when they are being creepy.
Many misunderstandings could be avoided if women were encouraged to speak
freely.
I don’t know what is going to happen with my writing group.
There are hurt feelings right now and many people still feel uncomfortable. I
handled it the best I could, but I have also learned from it. I know I am going
to be more honest and open in the future, and I am going to encourage my group
members to do the same. Fighting against the way society has trained women to
act is going to be a struggle, but this is why feminism is as much for men as
it is for women. All people deserve to hear the truth.
What do you think? Should I have handled it differently?
Have you had any similar experiences in co-ed hobby groups? How did you deal
with it?
Amanda Roberts is a
writer, editor, and teacher living in China. You can read more from her at Two
Americans in China.
(Note from Michelle: I've already got my order in for a dumpling cookbook. You should get yours, too!)
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